Voice Variations

My grandmother hated the way her voice sounded on answering machines. She left stiff, awkward messages that exaggerated her West Texas accent, and she always complained bitterly when you called her back: "I just can't stand those things; they make me sound so different!" I never told her that I didn't think they distorted her voice at all. Sometimes grandchildren know when it's best to keep their mouths shut.

Right before she died in 2015, she asked my uncle to make sure I gave one of the eulogies at her funeral, and I was both touched and intimidated by her request. Public speaking isn't my favorite thing to do, but I never could say no to her. I couldn't bring myself to put pen to paper right away; I procrastinated until my father found me hiding in the Pastor's Room at the funeral home a few minutes before the service, frantically scribbling bullet points on a notecard. I knew I would never remember what actually came out of my mouth, so when I walked up to the podium, I brought my iPhone and used the Voice Memo app to record the whole thing.

Lesson 1: bullet points do not make for the most polished presentation, but they get the job done;

Lesson 2: I don't mind the sound of my voice.

Maybe it was because I remembered how much she hated recordings of her voice, or maybe it was a distraction from cringing when I heard myself go down rabbit trails in my talk, but I noticed my voice--perhaps for the first time--as I listened to the recording. Once you notice your voice, you can't un-notice it, so I've been paying attention ever since.

My voice suits me. It isn't too high or too low. The pitch goes up with a slight squeak when I'm excited and down to a low growl when I'm really angry. The tone stays pretty even most of the time, but my children, my dog, and students in my classes all know when it's time to pay attention. My voice can soothe hurt feelings and de-escalate conflict; it can celebrate and mourn; it can convey enough authority for people to write down things I say. These days it sounds more relaxed and pleasant than agitated or sarcastic. I hear in my voice a woman becoming more comfortable in her own skin.

And if it doesn't sound that way on answering machines (or voicemail)? Just don't tell me. I'd rather not know.

. . . . . . .

Reflection for today: "The human voice is the organ of the soul."--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Today's prompt from 642 Things: Write about your voice. Do you think it suits you? Would you change it if you could? How has it changed over the years?